Was marriage traumatic for children in Middle Ages?

In the course of discussing child abuse the issue of child brides has been brought up a number of times. While it is clear from Torah and Talmudic sources that a girl can be married while she is a child by her father - we have a clear statement by Rav (Kiddushin 41a) that it is prohibited because she needs to be able to decide who she wants to marry her - and that is not possible for a child. Prof. Grossman has a very informative discussion of the subject (parts excerpted below. It is highly recommended that the chapter as well as the book be read.] You will notice that what we today as child abuse, was clearly not viewed as such by society - including the Christians and Muslims). While apparently largely driven by social and economic factors, it seemed that child marriage was very common. There seems to be no discussion of the practice being overwhelming and traumatic - as we would automatically assume today. This reinforces the thesis that I have raised that psychological abuse is a function of the nature of expectations and that in fact in previous times child marriage did not in fact produce trauma. Abuse today is largely the result of betrayal of a child by adults. A child in the middle ages would apparently have been upset if she hadn't been married by the age of 13. The negative consequences of not having child marriages at that time clearly were greater than having child marriages.

=====================================

Excerpts from "Pious and Rebellious" Chapter II by Prof. Avraham Grossman

[...] Several Talmudic sages counseled that a person should marry his sons and daughters at a young age, and the Talmud and Midrash even contain clear tes­timony of the marriage of children. On the other hand, there is also strong opposition in the Talmud to the marriage of young girls who have not yet attained intellectual and emotional maturity, and who are unable to judge for themselves the suitability and character of their intended husband, even though from a purely formal halakhic point of view the father is allowed to betroth his underage daughter and such a marriage is considered entirely valid. The Talmud (Niddah 13b) states that: "Those who play with female children delay the Messiah." This is an expression of clear opposition to sexual relations with girls who are not yet able to bear child, which are understood as "playing" rather than as marital relations. There is no mention there of the exact age of such girls, but it more or less overlaps the age of puberty at twelve, as mentioned above. In any event, the expression "play with female children" indicates the extent to which the phenomenon was understood as negative and deserving of condemnation.

In the name of the amora Rav - or, according to another tradition, in that of the Palestinian amora R. Eleazar - it is said: "A man is forbidden to marry off his daughter when she is underage, until she grows up and says, 'I want so­ and -so,' ." This unequivocal formulation ("is forbidden") clearly indicates the opposition to the phenomenon of marrying off immature children and its total rejection from the moral viewpoint, even if it is legally valid. Moreover, the reason given for the prohibition - namely, the girl's right to express an opinion onthe choice of her intended husband and to give her consent-carries impor­tant implications for the woman's status in the family and in society.

Intense opposition to the marriage of young girls is brought in the name of R. Shimon bar Yohai, that "Whoever marries off his daughter when she is   There were many cases of child marriage in Spain. The responsa literature ofthe twelfth and thirteenth centuries preserves dozens of testimonies to this,most of them mentioned in passing in the context of the testimony of a person  simply describing a situation, from which we may infer even more strongly the  large number of such marriages. [...]

Another important testimony is preserved in the words of the Tosaphists. In  their discussion concerning the above-mentioned statement of Rav that it is  forbidden for a father to marry off his daughter when she is a minor, the Tosafot  state that in their day they were not strict about this prohibition:

But now we are accustomed to marry off our daughters even when they are minors. This  is so, because every day the exile becomes stronger. Thus, if a person is able to provide  his daughter with a dowry, perhaps at some later time he will be unable to do so, and  his daughter will remain a spinster forever. 

Another reason was that offered by R. Peretz ben Elijah of Corbeil (second  half of the thirteenth century) in the name of R. Meir of Rothenburg. In his  opinion, the prohibition against marrying small children was only in force in  Talmudic times, "when there were many Jews in one place. But now that we are  few, we are accustomed to betrothing even a small child lest "the prospective  bridegroom be taken by another," In this case, too, we cannot determine  exactly what the rabbis meant by saying "we are accustomed to ... ," but it seems  clear that this does not refer to the practice of unusual individuals alone, a read­ing for which there is support also from other sources. The fact that R. Meir of Rothenburg did not deal with this issue in a purely theoretical manner, but  married off his own daughter before she was twelve years old, certainly influ­enced many other people: "And so did I do with my small daughter. I said to  her: 'My daughter, accept your qiddushin if you wish."' If the greatest Ashke­nazic scholar of the thirteenth century behaved in this way, why should others  take heed of Rav's admonitions not to marry off a "minor"? Rabbenu Tam like­wise testified that in his family they married off "minor" girls, that is, less  than twelve years old. One may assume that the practice of prominent figures  in the community influenced others. The desire to emulate the behavior of the  elite group in society is a well-known and accepted social phenomenon.

In Italy, too, the marriage of young girls was common practice. From the  responsa of R. Isaiah of Trani, it follows that in his day (the thirteenth century),  young girls in Byzantium wcre betrothed at the age of four and five. For many  years, Sicily was under Muslim rule, and traces of this rule were felt in Jewish  society there even after it returned to Christian hands in 1091. The widespread  practice in Muslim society, of marrying young girls to older husbands, influnced the Jews of Sicily as well. [...]

Another testimony of the ignoring of Rav's prohibition against marrying off  a young girl may be found in the halakhic codes of the twelfth and thirteenth  century sages. The "theoretical" pesaq literature is by nature closer to the for­mulations of the Talmud. It follows that these testimonies are of great value.  Thus, for example, Maimonides chose a less binding formulation than that given  by the Talmud:

Even though the father has the right to betroth his daughter when she is a minor or  when she is a maiden [...i.e., ages 12 to 12.5 ] to whomever he wishes, it is not fit­ting that he should do so. Rather, the Sages commanded that one should not betroth his  daughter when she is a minor until she matures and says, I want so-and-so. It is like­  wise not fit that a man should betroth a minor girl, nor should he betroth a woman  until he sees her and she is fit in his eyes, lest she not find favor in his eyes, and he will  divorce her or lie with her even though he hates her.

The phrases, "the Sages commanded" and "It is not fitting," are less forceful than  the original language used in the Talmud, "it is forbidden."  [...]

The marriage age for young boys or men goes beyond the framework of our present discussion. Some sources have also preserved evidence of marriage of "minor" males, but this phenomenon was rarer than in the case of girls. As a  rule, that age was also brought forward. It would seem that the sages' admo­nitions to advance the age of marriage bore fruit. But we must exercise great  caution in relying upon admonitions of this type. Just as one ought not to deter­mine the actual age of marriage in Palestine during the Mishnaic and Talmu­dic age on the basis of the dictum, "Eighteen years of age to the marriage canopy,"  so is it difficult to entirely ignore the impression left by this statement on  people over the course of generations. The same holds true for the similar call  of sages in the Middle Ages to advance the marriage of boys. For example: the  statement by R. Yitzhak ben Shmuel, one of the leading Tosaphists, that a  man should take care to marry his son "close to his maturation." Similarly in  Sefer Hasidim, we read, "Take a wife while you are a minor, and likewise for your  son ... and make sure once they reach maturity that they are married, and find  them a woman to marry; for if you delay, perhaps they will lie with the wives  of their fellows or with alien women ... " "But as for the boys, you should  marry them off before they are grown, lest they say like Samson: 'Take that one  for me, for she is comely in my eyes."' R. Yitzhak Aboab stated that: "The best,  most suitable, time for a match is as early as possible, before he is overwhelmed by his Urge." In these words he relied upon various Talmudic sources, from  which he found support for the view that one ought to bring forward the mar­riage age of men. He also explained why there is no contradiction between this  statement and the advice to first devote time to study of Torah.[...]

The conclusion that follows is that the usual age of  marriage of girls in Jewish society was between twelve and sixteen, while many  girls married at an earlier age, and there were even those who were given in mar­riage by their parents while they were still literally small children. [...]

The reason given  by Rav, "until she grows up and says, I want so-and-so"-which lay at the basis of the prohibition against marriage of minors-was no longer in force. In the  reality of medieval Jewish society, this reason no longer had any significance,  as the parents chose the destined bridegroom themselves, without asking the  girl. Her agreement was a purely formal act, lacking in all practical significance.  This was the case even after the age of twelve. There is abundant evidence for  this phenomenon, discussed at length below, in the next chapter. [...]

The phenomenon of marriage at an early age led to deleterious results in several areas of family life.

One consequence was the absolute dependence of the young couple on the  parents for a considerable period, including total involvement of the parents in  their personal life. [...]

Childbirth at an early age, before the young mother was prepared in either  a physical or an emotional sense, could be another negative factor. It is never­theless doubtful whether this sufficed to increase the number of children in the  family in a significant way, due to the high infant mortality rate in the Middle  Ages. Indeed, pregnancy and childbirth at an early age increased the number  of mothers who died in childbirth. Initial sexual relations at an excessively young  age likewise harmed the woman's health, as was already noted by the Tosaphists:  "and several minor girls are ill from this." [...]

The phenomenon of beating wives may also have been exacerbated by mar­riage of girls at an early age. The fact that at times the wife was extremely young  led the husband to relate to her as he would to his daughter. This was particu­larly true in those places where young girls were married to husbands signifi­cantly older than themselves, which was, as we have seen, a common phenomenon in Jewish society, and particularly in Muslim countries. Moreover, it may well be that the beating of the wife, which was a part of the life of the young couple, also continued thereafter. [...]